Yep

A simple glance from her was like a kiss from any other woman, and when she spoke my name her voice poured through my veins like wine right into my heart.

- from Hunger, by Knut Hamsun

Controversial Potentially Racist Post

Asian people love sleeping. More than other types of people.

Just throwing that out there.

Why I Don’t Want Another Pet

Wilbur died about six years ago. He was my pet rabbit. He was black and had floppy ears.

I’ve thought about getting another pet, but more and more I feel bad for animals who are pets. Wilbur died a virgin. I feel bad about that.

Would you rather live in a mansion, comfortably, with no threats, but never get laid, not even have any romance whatsoever, or have a job and a regular life, and some danger, and sex, and the possibility of love?

Was Wilbur happy? Probably, for the most part. But he also may have been sexually frustrated.

One time I had a dream where all I could see was a big face, it was Wilbur’s face and he was wearing a huge smile. That was a good dream.

PEACE.

Words It Bothers Me My Phone Doesn’t Know

The following is a list of words my phone doesn’t know. This bothers me, because when I’m writing a text and want to use one of these words, I have to go into that mode where I have to spell out the word and it takes too long.

Here is the list:

• Scrabble
• Nipples
• Condiments
• Shit
• Giraffe
• Artichoke

The most amazing thing is my phone thinks that when I punch in “Scrabble”, the four words I’m most likely trying to spell are “Papaable”, “Paraable”, “Rasaable” or “Saraable”. Earth to T-Mobile: Scrabble is the shit. Meanwhile, none of those other shits are words.

The only word I can think of in the English language with consecutive A’s in it is aardvark (which, incidentally, my phone also doesn’t know).

Oh, and Aaron also has consecutive A’s.

Oh.

(Insert farting noise here).

Bob is Seriously Sexy

If I were going to get a vanity license plate, I would get one that read like a regular license plate, but said something using numbers as letters. That way, it would seem like the DMV randomly issued me a cool plate.

I’m not sure if it’s this way in every state, but California license plates go number-letter-letter-letter-number-number-number. So I think it’d be cool, if, say, your name was Bob, to get 5EXY808 as your license plate. I mean maybe that wouldn’t be cool, but you catch my drift.

Better than:

Or if you were really into the movie Goonies, you could get 6OON135. That would be so 51CK.

What cool vanity license plates in this vain can you readers come up with?????

Good times!

Comic Strip!

Courtesy of my good buddy Ant.

Finally, a comic strip starring me as my alter ego Bernie. The people have been calling for this for some time.

The Big Sneeze

Today I was driving my motorcycle and something happened that has never happened before.

It was bound to happen.

WHAT WAS IT ALREADY??

Now I’ve dragged it out, and it’s really not that big a deal.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell you. Fine, I will. Or maybe you should just read the title of this post, genius.

The Big Sneeze. Yep. Harmless, normally. But when wearing a helmet with the visor down while driving 70 mph, it’s no good.

I sneezed once before while driving the bike, but that time I had the wherewithal (incidentally, that word took me four attempts to spell correctly) to flip up the visor right before the sneeze, which was smooth as hell, as smooth a sneeze as ever there was.

This time I got snot and saliva all over the visor.

But you know what? If I could do it all over, I wouldn’t change a thing.

-THE END.