Car Keyed III: New Beginnings

Note: You must go back and read parts I and II of this post in order to even come close to comprehending it.

Predictably, the lady who keyed my car didn’t respond to my note.

(My note was basically an attempt to guilt trip her into calling me. I figured if she was into drama, maybe she would.)

This whole affair left me with a nagging depression for a few days.

I started to see things from her point of view, realizing that even though keying my car was an exaggerated response, I had been rude to her from the start, so in a sense, I deserved to be put in my place.

Prior to going to the gym that day, I had been at the farmer’s market. I had some nice pears, apples and tangerines in my car. Instead of brushing off her annoyance with me, I should’ve offered her a fresh piece of fruit as a peace offering. I should’ve apologized more sincerely.

I should be nicer to strangers. I should be more sympathetic.

Still, this woman is clearly a psycho cunt, and the trainer at the gym is an uncaring covering-up jerk.

I am going to the gym tonight to get ripped.

Car Keyed II: Ho Rage

Note: Before reading this entry, please read the previous one, entitled “Car Keyed”.

After finding that my car had been keyed, I went back in to the gym to ask the receptionist if she knew the woman whose car I had blocked in. The receptionist didn’t know the woman’s name, but she said the woman is a regular at the gym.

I explained the situation to the receptionist, telling her my car had been keyed.

The receptionist was shocked, but then quickly added, “I’m sure she didn’t do it. She’s not that kind of person.”

Right. Of course not. The receptionist called over a trainer friend of the woman.

The trainer agreed that this woman wouldn’t do such a thing. “I know her,” she assured me, “She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s 40 years old.” The receptionist nodded in agreement.

I asked what age had to do with anything.

The trainer reiterated that this woman wouldn’t key someone’s car.

I said, “Look, she and I had an altercation. She was annoyed with me. I went back into the gym, finished working out. When I returned to my car half an hour later, it had been keyed. That’s a mighty big coincidence, if in that half hour window of time my car happened to be keyed by somebody other than the person with whom I had an altercation.”

The trainer began talking about how stuff happens in the lot all the time. My car could’ve been rear-ended.

“But,” I protested, “rear-ending someone’s car is usually accidental – if you rear end someone’s car it’ll also do damage to your car so you wouldn’t do it on purpose. On the other hand, you don’t key someone’s car by accident.” Then she told me my car may have been keyed earlier in the week. I told her I would’ve noticed, since it’s on the driver’s side front door.

Then, she said, “Welcome to LA.”

Welcome to LA. Thank you… oh, wait, you were being sarcastic.

At this point I realized talking this out would be a fruitless exercise. This cunt was taking that other cunt’s side. I had two choices.

1. Call the cops. They probably wouldn’t arrest anyone, but at least they would disturb this woman’s day. The thing is, I try to stay away from cops if I can help it.
2. Walk away and think about it

I chose option 3: write the lady a note and leave it with the receptionist. What did I write in the note? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Car Keyed

On Sunday I went to the gym. A fateful mistake.

While working out on the elliptical, I thought I heard something about a black Mazda over the intercom. I went to the front desk, and they asked if I was the car’s owner. Apparently I was blocking in some woman’s jeep.

I say “apparently”, as if I wasn’t aware I may have been blocking someone in. You see, the parking structure has those “tandem spots”, where they have one spot behind another.

The woman I’d parked behind was quite displeased with me. I apologized. “That was not cool,” she informed me.

“Well, why’d you pull all the way in?” I asked. “I figured you were gonna be here for a while.”

She told me that she’d come with a friend, who had left before her. I again apologized. She reiterated that it wasn’t cool of me to park behind her.

I waved her off, to show her that, while she did deserve an apology, she didn’t deserve multiple apologies. It wasn’t a huge deal.

She explained that it wasn’t cool of me because I’d made her work around my schedule. I told her my park job had not been malicious. That was the last thing said between us. I moved my car, she pulled out, and I parked back in that spot, and went back to the elliptical machine.

When I finished my workout and headed to my car, just prior to reaching it I thought, I bet she keyed my car. When I thought this thought, I didn’t believe myself. In fact, I chuckled at my paranoia.

Sure enough, she did key my car. Driver’s side front door.

What happened next? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion later this week…

Portion Control

They should sell half-size Kleenex.

A lot of times when I blow my nose I only need half a Kleenex. And then I have to either toss that half-used Kleenex or save it.

I have to choose between wasting and allowing snot to fester.

This is a choice I don’t want to be faced with in the a.m.

p.s. Don’t you dare say something about how it’s not Kleenex, it’s Kleenex brand tissues, because everybody knows that already. Why don’t you also tell me that Prince wrote “Manic Monday”? Hey, guess what, shithead? I KNOW.

Beautiful on the Outside, Ugly on the Inside

People say butterlies are beautiful but a butterfly is just a twitchy insect with colorful wings.

I would not want one to land on my face.

Ladies, Do Not Read! This Post For Men Only!!!

Attention, Men: I’m having a MANSCAPING party at my place next week.

We will do so much MANSCAPING and it will rule so hard. We will start by wearing t-shirts with no pants, then we will switch to pants with no t-shirts, all the while doing MANSCAPING.

For those of you who do not know what MANSCAPING is, it’s like LANDSCAPING, but you put in the word MAN, and it becomes like something men do, that normally women do.

Jon from “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ does MANSCAPING, he is one of many famous people who do IT.

Incidentally, his girlfriend recently said that he throws a lot of MANTRUMS, which is like a TANTRUM, but for men. Normally, only women through tantrums. Hey, her words, not MINE.

So anyways, you should invite your father over for this party. What? It’s just a little MANSCAPING.

Also, bring some BEER. I would get it myself, but I am hosting, and besides, I am BROKE as a JOKE.

Yep

A simple glance from her was like a kiss from any other woman, and when she spoke my name her voice poured through my veins like wine right into my heart.

- from Hunger, by Knut Hamsun