Yell-evator

Anyone who runs for an elevator yelling for you to hold the door open is a total idiot.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

I don’t mean putting your hand in the door as it’s closing if you happen to be walking up as the door is closing. That is different. A different beast entirely.

But running and yelling to hold the elevator? Come on, it’s not like running for a train. You’re already in the building you need to be in. If you miss this elevator you’ll have to wait, what, at most 30 seconds? Possibly 45?

There is only one exception to this rule: if you are on fire.

But if you are on fire, you shouldn’t be using the elevator. That is some kind of hazard.

So that is not an exception.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

Have a wonderful day.

TV Show Idea

Here’s a pitch for a new TV show: Lost meets the episode of Saved By the Bell where Zack Morris gets stuck in an elevator with a pregnant lady and has to deliver the baby.

It’s called Stuck.

The main characters are:

• Gina, the pregnant lady.
• Rick, the chain smoking hot shot kid.
• Vernon, the cool bad ass medical school student whose hands are unfortunately trapped in the elevator doors.
• Shawna, the slutty girl who’s sort of hot if you look at her from the right angle.
• Jermaine, the nerdy scientist.
• Tom, the soccer aficionado who keeps throwing a soccer ball at people’s faces.

New characters will be introduced, like the rescue team, who then also get stuck in the elevator; the crazy janitor who may or may not be a ghost; and the people who live in the elevator shaft and crawl into the elevator at night.

The cast will forage for food in the elevator carpet and eat the crumbs they find. They will also find a box full of canned food and potato chips in the corner, right next to the microwave.

Cell phones don’t work, because it’s an elevator. They do find a short wave radio, though. But it’s broken. Maybe Jermaine can fix it, with help from an unlikely source: Shawna. Will sparks fly as they work on this project late into the night?

The show basically writes itself.

Stuck.

Um, Cell Phones Don’t Really Work in Elevators

Who are those jerks who get in the elevator and try to continue their cell phone conversation?

Rather than saying, “Hey, I’m getting in an elevator, I’ll call you lates,” they’re like, “…the projected totals for this month… what?… what?… I think we’re breaking up… what?… I can’t figure out why I can’t hear you anymore… what?… what?… before I got into this elevator I could hear you fine but now I am no longer able to hear you… what?… who?… hello?… hello?… are you there?… Richardson?… hello?…”

I have invented a new name for the talking-on-a-cell-phone-in-an-elevator move: the cellevator.

Nice.

Never Try

One time when I was younger I got stuck in an elevator. It was at a hotel in Jerusalem. I got in the elevator and didn’t press any buttons. The doors closed and the lights went out. I cried. I was nine.

That’s all I remember. I guess eventually I was rescued, since I’m not still there.

That is the entire story.

Make of it what you will.

I thought of it earlier today when I was in an elevator. Fancy that.

Last night I drank Jim Beam Black. Just one glass, for a nightcap.

Several sources have informed me this a very good bourbon for the money. I’d say it’s not much better than regular Jim Beam. In fact, I’d say regular Jim Beam is better because it doesn’t try as hard.

Let that be a lesson to you all.

For the record, I much prefer scotch over bourbon. The best scotches are: Laphroaig, Lagavulin and Talisker.