Nine Zero Two One Zero

Some crazy shit went down on the last disc of 90210 Season 5.

Dylan realized through hypnosis that he and Kelly are soulmates, way more than anything she has with Brandon. So he calls her a lot, finally goes to her apartment at night, and she answer the door and asks if everything’s okay, and you know she loves that he’s clearly been obsessing over her, and he shakes his head, and says, “Kel… I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and…” he trails off into a kiss.

End of episode. Next episode, Kelly is rollerblading. She falls over and who should fall on her but Dylan, who shows her plane tickets. He’s planned a trip around the world and wants her to come along. Great. Oh, except for one thing: why is he suddenly so sure about them as soulmates, when before they’d always fight. “We fought because we cared, because we felt something” (paraphrasing).

Oh, except for one other thing: she has a boyfriend. Brandon. Fuuuuuuck. She’ll need some time alone to think it through.

Bad Ass vs. Earnest.

Valerie goes to Kelly’s to pick up some class notes. She sees the plane tickets on the mantel, made out to Mr. Dylan McKay & Ms. Kelly Taylor. BUSTED. Kelly snatches them away. “None of your business, bitch.”

As Brandon’s longtime family friend and roommate, Valerie tells Brandon what’s up. Brandon needs some time alone.

Blammorino, next scene, Brandon bursts into Dylan’s house. “Wanna tell me why you’re inviting my girlfriend on a trip around the world?” “We have something more, something you’ll never understand.” Brandon laughs and walks out. But… not such a confident laugh. His back is against the wall.

Brandon gives Kelly a new pair of rollerblades. Nice one, B. Trip around the world… rollerblades. YES! I’m laughing at Brandon, and it fucking is a confident laugh, but wait, joke’s on me, crammed into one of the rollerblades is a little black box. And not the type you’d find on an airplane.

Proposal, Kelly, will you be my wife? She needs time.

Not a good sign.

Finally, Kelly calls D and B together, to say she can’t marry B… and can’t go with D around the world. She chooses herself. Whatever that means. (Masturbation).

Brandon goes to Palm Springs and gets hammered. Dylan tries to sell a script with Charlie. Kelly hangs with the lesbian she got caught in the fire with. The always immature Claire and David assume Kelly is now a dyke. After all, she is in college, not an unprecedented move.

Nope, Kelly is still into men. She just likes that girl as a friend.

Meanwhile, Ray Pruit tosses Donna down the stairs. Fucking Ray Pruit, with one T, that’s all his mama could afford. If only she’d spent more wisely, she could’ve afforded that extra T, and all this nonsense could’ve been avoided.

But she couldn’t, and it wasn’t, and now Donna’s sprained her wrist, and Steve made out with a tranny at the gas station. Classy, Steve. He told Brandon about it, which made me respect their friendship on some level. Honesty is always respectable.

In the end, it’s Brandon and Valerie at the house, his parents having moved to Hong Kong. The house has been sold, and they’ve got to vacate in two weeks. “A lot can happen in two weeks,” Val states, one of the best closing lines to a season ever. Shit, she’s been hot for him for years. Brandon grabs her by the back of the head and pulls her towards him. They’re kissing, she climbs on top of him, and credits. They’re gonna fuck for the next two weeks.

But of course, we all know what we find out in Season 6.

K v. B

People occasionally question my preference for Dylan & Kelly over Dylan & Brenda. I will address those concerns here.

Through her relationship with Dylan, Kelly grew into herself. Prior to being with him, she was viewed by herself and others as just another pretty face. Her mom was a coked-out skank and a terrible role model. Dylan was the first to pay attention to the real Kelly, to the person inside. He saw beyond her looks and helped her become confident in herself. He taught her about old movies. She changed from a party girl with low self-esteem to an intelligent young woman.

Brenda, on the other hand, did not change much by being with Dylan. Sure, she changed in a superficial sense. She lost her virginity, rebelled against her parents, moved to London. But she would’ve gone through similar motions with anyone. Unlike Kelly. Kelly needed Dylan in order to grow into the woman she would become.

Dylan was both Brenda and Kelly’s first love. However, his impact on Kelly was greater. Their connection was stronger. Once they got together, they could never shake one another. Even when Kelly was with Brandon, you could tell she still loved Dylan. And he loved her like no other ever since that magical summer when Brenda was away in Paris with Donna. Dylan and Kelly even have a baby together now.

So where does this leave Brandon? Holding hands with his sister like the goody two-shoes he is.

DVD Review: Beverly Hills, 90210 – Season 5, Disc 5

Remember the time Dylan and Brandon went on a road trip?

Here’s what happened:

Brandon drives up to the Peach Pit, parking in the back lot. As he’s getting out of his car, Dylan is exiting out the back. They greet one another, with Dylan inquiring about Brando’s holiday plans. Brandon is like, I got no plans anymore, since Kelly no longer feels like vacationing due to the burns she suffered in the fire, and Donna canceled the ski trip because she’s a bonehead.

Dylan invites Brandon to go on a road trip with him. Brandon is like, When are we leaving? (Notice he says “we”, that’s his way of saying he’s going with). Dylan’s like, Tomorrow morning. Brandon’s like, Seriously, bro. Dylan’s like, Seriously. Dylan adds that they won’t need a car – they’re taking motorcycles. Of course Brandon knows how to ride a motorcycle. Even though he’s 20 and has only ever driven a car. And of course Dylan has a friend who’s willing to loan Brandon his Ducati. But I don’t mean to sound skeptical, I’m totally into it.

Okay, keep in mind, Brandon is dating Kelly, Dylan’s ex, who he’s still in love with. I’m not sure if I’d be into road tripping with the guy who’s dating my ex who I consider The One, but then again maybe Dylan is curious for that very reason, which, now that I think about it, I would be, too. Treat old Brandon like a gas station and pump him for information. Oh yes.

Now, also keep in mind, all this action I’ve described so far has taken place in the first one minute of the episode, before the opening credits. I was so amped when I was watching, you wouldn’t believe. I’d completely forgotten about this episode. I was drinking wine and I was elated.

The next morning, Dylan comes by the Walsh’s to get Brandon. Kelly is there, and after saying goodbye to B, Dylan gives her a nice hard stare that goes on for way too long. You could cut the tension with a knife!

Dylan and Brandon stop at a restaurant on the way. Brandon wants a square meal, while Dylan plans to order pie, since that’s the classic road trip thing to do, like Kerouac. Brandon reveals that, frankly, he doesn’t think much about Kerouac. He read On the Road and Dharma Bums and wasn’t impressed. What a lamo.

At the restaurant, Dylan makes some overt sexual comments to the waitress, with Brandon’s approval. They bond.

“How’s the apple pie,” D asks.

“Baked it in my own oven,” the waitress replies.

“I’d like to see that oven,” Dylan mutters to Brandon.

“You and me both,” Brandon mutters back.

Dylan turns to the waitress and goes for it. “Can we see your oven?”

“Get in line.”

Dylan gives a “touche” look, mulling over the rejection, before ordering a piece of pie.

The waitress winks at the boys and struts off. She was asking for it!

B and D fought a lot, but in the end, they made up and had a great R.T.

Meanwhile, in subplot land… who gives a shit. Steve’s mad at his Dad, Kelly’s being brainwashed. She’s finally feeling comfortable for the first time since the fire, talking about her history… only problem is, that professor she loves so much is like Jim Jones all over again. “Set aside your fears, Kelly,” advises cult leader John Patrick Finley. “Tell the truth.”

Tell the truth? TELL THE TRUTH?!?! What about you, John Patrick Finley?! Are you telling the truth when you manipulate these students into giving you all their money?!!!! And you say you’re trying to help them! HA!! You’re no better than the school board you rail against.

Yeah, I said it. Somebody had to.

I’m out.

PEACE.

Alcoholism

Hoo loo.

Yesterday I was watching some 90210 season 5, and Andrea came over to Dylan’s pad and gave him Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth Poems. Dylan thanked her and promptly quoted William Blake. Then they got into a discussion about whether or not Bukowski or W.B. would’ve been able to write the way they did if they hadn’t been alcoholics.

Then I was like, Yeah, and would General Mills have named a cereal after Count Chocula if he hadn’t been a chocoholic? I doubt it.

Andrea left to go take care of her and Jesse Vasquez’s baby. Dylan and I were like, Finally, Buzzkill is gone, and we drove to Baja to go surfing and blow off some steam.

90210 Classic

The best season of 90210 is the fifth. Brenda stays in London, Valerie moves in with the Walshes. Dylan returns from Mexico, dismayed to discover that Kelly is now with Brandon. Steve pursues Valerie, who plays the good girl but is a bad girl at heart. David and Donna have broken up, and are moving on with Claire and Casper Van Dien, respectively. Andrea is dealing with– no one gives a crap about Andrea. The fast forward button was invented for her scenes.

Kelly has moved on from Dylan with good boy Brandon. When Dylan finds out, he crashes some party Donna’s mom is having. He wears jeans and a t-shirt to the formal event and puts his feet up on the table. He’s drunk. Dylan confronts Kelly and Brandon, and he is pissed.

In one of the all-time great 90210 moments, Valerie sees Dylan for the first time and she’s like, “Who is that?” Donna tells her, and Val says, “Brenda’s Dylan?” Donna, sounding constipated, mumbles, “Brenda’s Dylan… Kelly’s Dylan,” looking like her head is about to explode. Earlier in the evening, to her mother’s dismay, Donna had been dancing with a black man. That has nothing to do with anything.

That night, Dylan gets wasted and picks up a girl at a bar. Kelly goes to his house in the middle of the night to check on him. The first time I saw this episode, years ago, I thought Kelly was just concerned. But this time I noticed something new.

Kelly comes over, and Dylan is with some floozy, which bothers her. Fair enough. Dylan is like, What’d you come over for? Then he does a body shot off the floozy. Kelly is visibly upset, and says she just came over to talk. Dylan’s like, You expect me to believe you came over at 2 in the morning just to talk? Which is a very good point. Frustrated, Kelly storms off, declaring, “It’s so over.” Implying that it hadn’t been over until that moment. Kelly came over to cheat on Brandon and bang Dylan! I can’t believe I never noticed that before. Dylan is right, why else would she come over at 2 in the morning, alone?

BLAMMO. Man, Season 5 is so awesome. Valerie and Dylan start sleeping together, while she’s playing Steve, who you have to feel bad for, even if he is a douche.

Kelly goes for the good boy, but you can tell she misses the passionate heat of the darker Dylan. That’s why they wound up together in the end.

Luke Perry’s portrayal of Dylan is amazing. It’s rough and raw, especially compared to the rest of the cast. Luke Perry is to the 90210 cast as Marlon Brando is to the cast of the movie version of A Streetcar Named Desire. Performance just a cut above. It’s not even fair. It’s like Jordan in his prime. G.O.A.T.

H.A.

Here are some handy acronyms I invented:

N.B. = not bad (“How are you?” “N.B.”)

B.I.T. = be in touch (“Are we hanging out tomorrow?” “Maybe. Let’s B.I.T.”)

T.G. = The Gap (“Where’d you get that shirt?” “T.G.”)

B.R. = Baskin Robbins (“I sure could go for a nice home cooked meal.” “I could go for some B.R. action.” )

B.H.9. = Beverly Hills, 90210 (“Do you like chillin like Dylan?” “Dylan from B.H.9.?” “No, Dylan Thomas.” “Oh.” “Just kidding, of course Dylan from B.H.9.” “Cool.”)

“Technically speaking,” Dylan said as he lifted the night black helmet off his head, “these are initialisms. Acronyms are when you pronounce the letters as a word, initialisms are when you pronounce each letter.”

“Make love to me,” Brenda replied. “Immediately.”

Dylan leaned in and kissed her hard on the lips. They embraced.

“Oh, Dylan,” Brenda moaned.

“Oh, Kelly,” Dylan moaned.

Brenda pushed him away and took a furious step back. “What did you just say?!”

Dylan moved towards Brenda, his eyebrows scrunched, his right arm out, pleading. “Nothing, Bren… nothing… Bren, don’t be like that.”

Brenda walked off in a huff.

“Brenda!” Dylan shouted.

Brenda paused briefly, before walking off without turning around.

Dylan got on his motorcycle and drove down to Baja to clear his head.

Ross

In the spring of 2001, I was in Paris, as was my friend Anthony.

This is where I gave the most accurate description I’ve ever given. Anthony and I decided to take the train to Zurich to visit a friend of mine from college, Ross. I described him by saying he’s really into hair, and gives everyone nicknames.

Ross met us outside the train station. The first thing he said to me after we greeted each other was, “Your hair is looking good!” Then he turned to Anthony and said, “You’ve got nice hair, too!”

I said to Ross, “This is my friend Anthony.”

He turned to Anthony and said, “Anthony… Anthony… mind if I call you Antonio?”

* * *

Back in college, I was a big fan of Beverly Hills, 90210. I was also a big fan before and after. Because 90210 is real.