Car Keyed II: Ho Rage

Note: Before reading this entry, please read the previous one, entitled “Car Keyed”.

After finding that my car had been keyed, I went back in to the gym to ask the receptionist if she knew the woman whose car I had blocked in. The receptionist didn’t know the woman’s name, but she said the woman is a regular at the gym.

I explained the situation to the receptionist, telling her my car had been keyed.

The receptionist was shocked, but then quickly added, “I’m sure she didn’t do it. She’s not that kind of person.”

Right. Of course not. The receptionist called over a trainer friend of the woman.

The trainer agreed that this woman wouldn’t do such a thing. “I know her,” she assured me, “She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s 40 years old.” The receptionist nodded in agreement.

I asked what age had to do with anything.

The trainer reiterated that this woman wouldn’t key someone’s car.

I said, “Look, she and I had an altercation. She was annoyed with me. I went back into the gym, finished working out. When I returned to my car half an hour later, it had been keyed. That’s a mighty big coincidence, if in that half hour window of time my car happened to be keyed by somebody other than the person with whom I had an altercation.”

The trainer began talking about how stuff happens in the lot all the time. My car could’ve been rear-ended.

“But,” I protested, “rear-ending someone’s car is usually accidental – if you rear end someone’s car it’ll also do damage to your car so you wouldn’t do it on purpose. On the other hand, you don’t key someone’s car by accident.” Then she told me my car may have been keyed earlier in the week. I told her I would’ve noticed, since it’s on the driver’s side front door.

Then, she said, “Welcome to LA.”

Welcome to LA. Thank you… oh, wait, you were being sarcastic.

At this point I realized talking this out would be a fruitless exercise. This cunt was taking that other cunt’s side. I had two choices.

1. Call the cops. They probably wouldn’t arrest anyone, but at least they would disturb this woman’s day. The thing is, I try to stay away from cops if I can help it.
2. Walk away and think about it

I chose option 3: write the lady a note and leave it with the receptionist. What did I write in the note? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Car Keyed

On Sunday I went to the gym. A fateful mistake.

While working out on the elliptical, I thought I heard something about a black Mazda over the intercom. I went to the front desk, and they asked if I was the car’s owner. Apparently I was blocking in some woman’s jeep.

I say “apparently”, as if I wasn’t aware I may have been blocking someone in. You see, the parking structure has those “tandem spots”, where they have one spot behind another.

The woman I’d parked behind was quite displeased with me. I apologized. “That was not cool,” she informed me.

“Well, why’d you pull all the way in?” I asked. “I figured you were gonna be here for a while.”

She told me that she’d come with a friend, who had left before her. I again apologized. She reiterated that it wasn’t cool of me to park behind her.

I waved her off, to show her that, while she did deserve an apology, she didn’t deserve multiple apologies. It wasn’t a huge deal.

She explained that it wasn’t cool of me because I’d made her work around my schedule. I told her my park job had not been malicious. That was the last thing said between us. I moved my car, she pulled out, and I parked back in that spot, and went back to the elliptical machine.

When I finished my workout and headed to my car, just prior to reaching it I thought, I bet she keyed my car. When I thought this thought, I didn’t believe myself. In fact, I chuckled at my paranoia.

Sure enough, she did key my car. Driver’s side front door.

What happened next? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion later this week…

Portion Control

They should sell half-size Kleenex.

A lot of times when I blow my nose I only need half a Kleenex. And then I have to either toss that half-used Kleenex or save it.

I have to choose between wasting and allowing snot to fester.

This is a choice I don’t want to be faced with in the a.m.

p.s. Don’t you dare say something about how it’s not Kleenex, it’s Kleenex brand tissues, because everybody knows that already. Why don’t you also tell me that Prince wrote “Manic Monday”? Hey, guess what, shithead? I KNOW.

Beautiful on the Outside, Ugly on the Inside

People say butterlies are beautiful but a butterfly is just a twitchy insect with colorful wings.

I would not want one to land on my face.

Ladies, Do Not Read! This Post For Men Only!!!

Attention, Men: I’m having a MANSCAPING party at my place next week.

We will do so much MANSCAPING and it will rule so hard. We will start by wearing t-shirts with no pants, then we will switch to pants with no t-shirts, all the while doing MANSCAPING.

For those of you who do not know what MANSCAPING is, it’s like LANDSCAPING, but you put in the word MAN, and it becomes like something men do, that normally women do.

Jon from “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ does MANSCAPING, he is one of many famous people who do IT.

Incidentally, his girlfriend recently said that he throws a lot of MANTRUMS, which is like a TANTRUM, but for men. Normally, only women through tantrums. Hey, her words, not MINE.

So anyways, you should invite your father over for this party. What? It’s just a little MANSCAPING.

Also, bring some BEER. I would get it myself, but I am hosting, and besides, I am BROKE as a JOKE.

It Takes One to Deconstruct It Takes Two

Ladies love me
Girls adore me
I mean even the ones who never saw me like
The way that I rhyme at a show
The reason why?
Man, I don’t know 

I heard this jam on the way home from the gym this morning. This particular stanza (Tony Stanza) stood out to me for two reasons.

1. So girls are really into him, including girls who have never seen him, who like how he raps onstage, even though they have never seen him. I’m not sure that makes total sense.
2. I like that he doesn’t even know the reason why girls love his rapping. Most rappers give reasons like, “Girls love me because I’m awesome,” or, “Girls love me because I please them to no end,” something to that effect. But Rob Base just shrugs his shoulders. Who knows why girls love me, what’s the diff?

Both of these potential snags can be dismissed, because the song is a well-deserved all-time classic. Overall rating for Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s “It Takes Two”: A+

Split P/ea

Last night I made split pea soup for the first time in a year. It went pretty well. I may have used too much dill, however.

Dill is like parsley. You get so much in a bunch, and you probably only need it for one thing. Last time I had dill, I wound up making all these cheddar cheese and dill sandwiches. They were fantastic, so fuck you.

Anyways, you’re probably wondering, what is a split pea? Is it a pea split in half, or is it a smaller pea that they call a split pea because it looks like a half a pea?

The peas are round when harvested and dried. Once dry, the skin is removed and the natural split in the seed’s cotyledon can be mechanically separated, in part to encourage faster cooking.

I wrote that sentence. It is not from anywhere else. Please believe me. If you do not, I shall surely perish.