Words It Bothers Me My Phone Doesn’t Know

The following is a list of words my phone doesn’t know. This bothers me, because when I’m writing a text and want to use one of these words, I have to go into that mode where I have to spell out the word and it takes too long.

Here is the list:

• Scrabble
• Nipples
• Condiments
• Shit
• Giraffe
• Artichoke

The most amazing thing is my phone thinks that when I punch in “Scrabble”, the four words I’m most likely trying to spell are “Papaable”, “Paraable”, “Rasaable” or “Saraable”. Earth to T-Mobile: Scrabble is the shit. Meanwhile, none of those other shits are words.

The only word I can think of in the English language with consecutive A’s in it is aardvark (which, incidentally, my phone also doesn’t know).

Oh, and Aaron also has consecutive A’s.

Oh.

(Insert farting noise here).

Bob is Seriously Sexy

If I were going to get a vanity license plate, I would get one that read like a regular license plate, but said something using numbers as letters. That way, it would seem like the DMV randomly issued me a cool plate.

I’m not sure if it’s this way in every state, but California license plates go number-letter-letter-letter-number-number-number. So I think it’d be cool, if, say, your name was Bob, to get 5EXY808 as your license plate. I mean maybe that wouldn’t be cool, but you catch my drift.

Better than:

Or if you were really into the movie Goonies, you could get 6OON135. That would be so 51CK.

What cool vanity license plates in this vain can you readers come up with?????

Good times!

Comic Strip!

Courtesy of my good buddy Ant.

Finally, a comic strip starring me as my alter ego Bernie. The people have been calling for this for some time.

The Big Sneeze

Today I was driving my motorcycle and something happened that has never happened before.

It was bound to happen.

WHAT WAS IT ALREADY??

Now I’ve dragged it out, and it’s really not that big a deal.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell you. Fine, I will. Or maybe you should just read the title of this post, genius.

The Big Sneeze. Yep. Harmless, normally. But when wearing a helmet with the visor down while driving 70 mph, it’s no good.

I sneezed once before while driving the bike, but that time I had the wherewithal (incidentally, that word took me four attempts to spell correctly) to flip up the visor right before the sneeze, which was smooth as hell, as smooth a sneeze as ever there was.

This time I got snot and saliva all over the visor.

But you know what? If I could do it all over, I wouldn’t change a thing.

-THE END.

Attempted Robbery

People tend to do stupid things when they get drunk. Last night I attempted to steal an ice cream sandwich from a gas station.

I feel kind of bad about it now. Mike paid for whatever he got, and I walked out with the sandwich, showing it to the clerk as I left.

The clerk chased me out of the store and demanded I give it back to him. I mumbled something about how I meant to pay for it, which makes no sense, since I walked right out with it.

I said I’d pay for it, and the clerk said, No. He snatched it from me. I said, “You’re not gonna let me buy the sandwich?” He refused to let me buy it.

I wound up going to a different gas station and buying one.

Nothing like drinking at the beach and then hitting up some gas stations. I wonder if I’m too old to get drunk and chow down.

And this is the second ice cream sandwich I’ve eaten in as many nights. I’m not sure why. Apparently I’ve got ice cream sandwiches on the mind.

Then I dreamed that J-Rose, Benjamin, Dan, Yoel and Avi went to London and videotaped the whole thing and I was watching the videotape.

Top 5 Computers

Here is a list of the TOP FI5E COMPUTERS I’VE EVER ENCOUNTERED:

1) The MacBook Pro I am currently using. It came with me from New York to Los Angeles. It’s been a good computer. Powerful, compact, tough, good attitude. It’s like Martin’s wife from the TV show “Martin”. Second from the left.

2) My old PowerMac G4. I bought this baby in September of 2002, right after moving to New York. My first Mac. I had it until I sold it for $225 in May of 2008. I put it up on Craigslist for $200, got a bunch of responses, one from a guy offering $25 over the asking price. Wise move. It certainly got my attention. I remember that moment, realizing I was going to have $25 more than I thought I was going to have. And I’ll tell you, the other month when I came within $5 of overdrawing my checking account, that $25 surplus sure came in handy.

3) The Tandy 100, I believe it was called. This was my Dad’s first laptop, acquired some time in the mid-80’s. I have fond memories of vacationing in Lake Louise, sitting in the lounge overlooking the slopes, and playing Monopoly on the laptop. I also recall the gigantic pancakes at the hotel restaurant. Those sure were tasty.

4) Jon’s iBook from 8 years ago. I didn’t have a computer at this time in my life. I lived in a studio apartment in the Edgewater neighborhood of  Chicago. Jon lived a mile south of me. We were gym partners, at the World Gym (“Where fitness is normal”). Sometimes before gymming it up I would use the internet on Jon’s laptop. I also used it to make a mix CD for a club I was in. We got so into hitting up the gym that Jon floated out the idea of naming his firstborn Gym. Six years later, he would get the opportunity, but he and Miriam would go with Jacob.

5) I guess I’ll award the fifth and final slot to my first laptop. It came down to my first laptop or a TRS-80 my parents had in their office back when. My Dad still has it, stored in the original box. My first laptop was a PC, small, the keyboard possibly too small for my fingers. But… me and this laptop went through a lot together. My parents got it for me before I went off to college. I had it in Boston, Chicago, Paris. I loaned it to Anthony for a spell, although I can’t remember why. I’m not sure where it is now. I think I had it cremated. It’s resting in a virtual shoebox on my virtual mantle.

Dr. Dentist or whatever the shit

My dentist told me I need to floss more often.

What a fucking whore.

I told her I floss every three days. I told her I floss after I eat corn on the cob.

What a fucking whore.

Did she not hear me? That DENTIST needs to go see the EAR DOCTOR, because she’s deaf as shit.

How did she even get a license to practice dentistry?

Dental license? More like a dental dam.

What a fucking whore.

And then as I’m out the door, her assistant – not even her, her assistant! – hands me a tooth brush and three yards of floss, pats me on my ass and tells me to keep it real.

What whores. What absolute whores.

Whoa, Terrence Howard. Easy there. Settle down.

Just… settle down.