Just

I find it amusing that Just Tires also does oil changes.

Turn Signals

If I’m in a left turn lane, I never put on my turn signal. It’s too obvious. I don’t like that people will sit in the left turn lane with their turn signal on. It bothers me.

I get that you should signal before entering the left turn lane. But once you’re there, you can switch it off.

Would it be wrong to draw in a penis?

Yes.

Sorry.

I just love in the Subway station when penises get drawn onto ads.

That’s my excuse.

Good night.

Oh and also check out my New Yorker submissions section. I added some new ones to the collection.

Guess what I’m listening to? Wrong. Bonnie Prince Billy. “Death to Everyone”. What exactly does he say in that song? “It makes hosing much more fun”? First person to clarify that line wins a photograph which I will tear out of a magazine.

Good night.

It’s like Lotto, you have to be in it to win it

I’m the greatest blogger in the world.

While you’re repositioning your computer to get a better connection, while you’re Googling cat + horse looking for cool pictures, I’m tearing shit up on the blogosphere.

You can’t even stop this, it’s like Jordan and Pippen in their primes. I’m both of them, combined.

You may as well comment, that’s as close as you’ll ever get to a true champion. And if you come over I’ll let you wear my Champion zip-up I got at Target.

Goddamit. What should I eat for b-fast???

Harsh, Controversial Criticism Stings Some in Hip Hop Community

La da di dum dum.

Oh, hey, what’s up.

Just rapping about how awesome I am at rapping.

Cool, so your entire first album is you rapping about the fact that you’re better than me at rapping. My first album is me rapping about sandwiches and girls and stuff.

Stuffing girls with sandwiches.

My latest album is this blog. There are no songs on it but you can sing this blog if you like. They sometimes have it at karaoke.

PEACE.

Get High, Suddenly You Want a Pizza

Got high with Mike. We decided to get either pizza or falafel. While approaching local pizza haunt Abbott’s, it became clear pizza was the way to go.

The pizza (peppers & onions) would take 20 minutes. We walked down to the gas station to procure snacks. Mike said he was going to get Flamin Hot Cheetos. When we got inside, he grabbed a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

“What about the Flamin Hots?” I asked.

“Changed my mind,” Mike responded. He also grabbed a Vitamin Water.

I browsed the store, muttering to myself half-sentences such as, “I already have cookies at home…” And so I didn’t get anything.

We got back to Abbott’s and the pizza was ready. While walking home with it, we passed a woman carrying two Pizza Hut pizzas. It was an awkward passing.

Mike said she gave us a dirty look.

K v. B

People occasionally question my preference for Dylan & Kelly over Dylan & Brenda. I will address those concerns here.

Through her relationship with Dylan, Kelly grew into herself. Prior to being with him, she was viewed by herself and others as just another pretty face. Her mom was a coked-out skank and a terrible role model. Dylan was the first to pay attention to the real Kelly, to the person inside. He saw beyond her looks and helped her become confident in herself. He taught her about old movies. She changed from a party girl with low self-esteem to an intelligent young woman.

Brenda, on the other hand, did not change much by being with Dylan. Sure, she changed in a superficial sense. She lost her virginity, rebelled against her parents, moved to London. But she would’ve gone through similar motions with anyone. Unlike Kelly. Kelly needed Dylan in order to grow into the woman she would become.

Dylan was both Brenda and Kelly’s first love. However, his impact on Kelly was greater. Their connection was stronger. Once they got together, they could never shake one another. Even when Kelly was with Brandon, you could tell she still loved Dylan. And he loved her like no other ever since that magical summer when Brenda was away in Paris with Donna. Dylan and Kelly even have a baby together now.

So where does this leave Brandon? Holding hands with his sister like the goody two-shoes he is.

Easy Street

Yesterday at the farmer’s market, where I procured two Pink Lady apples, ten pounds of oranges (for juicing), asparagus, beets, a crown of brocolli, and purple baby artichokes,

I overheard this little kid, putting on his bike helmet, ask his mom in a shaky voice, “Is it on right?”

It was on the right way, and she told him as much.

What an easy question. It’s got to be so gratifying for parents to get to answer all these simple questions and be viewed as being super smart.

“What’s that green stuff?” “Grass.”

“And those things?” “Trees.”

“What’s the sun?” “It’s a faraway star.”

“How do you tie shoes?” “Like this.”

Actually I never learned how to tie shoes the fast way. I still make two bows and tie them together. I don’t know the way where you wrap the lace around one bow or whatever.

In case you were wondering, that picture is a sample. Imagine what the real one looks like? It’s probably amazing.