DVD Review: Beverly Hills, 90210 – Season 5, Disc 5

Remember the time Dylan and Brandon went on a road trip?

Here’s what happened:

Brandon drives up to the Peach Pit, parking in the back lot. As he’s getting out of his car, Dylan is exiting out the back. They greet one another, with Dylan inquiring about Brando’s holiday plans. Brandon is like, I got no plans anymore, since Kelly no longer feels like vacationing due to the burns she suffered in the fire, and Donna canceled the ski trip because she’s a bonehead.

Dylan invites Brandon to go on a road trip with him. Brandon is like, When are we leaving? (Notice he says “we”, that’s his way of saying he’s going with). Dylan’s like, Tomorrow morning. Brandon’s like, Seriously, bro. Dylan’s like, Seriously. Dylan adds that they won’t need a car – they’re taking motorcycles. Of course Brandon knows how to ride a motorcycle. Even though he’s 20 and has only ever driven a car. And of course Dylan has a friend who’s willing to loan Brandon his Ducati. But I don’t mean to sound skeptical, I’m totally into it.

Okay, keep in mind, Brandon is dating Kelly, Dylan’s ex, who he’s still in love with. I’m not sure if I’d be into road tripping with the guy who’s dating my ex who I consider The One, but then again maybe Dylan is curious for that very reason, which, now that I think about it, I would be, too. Treat old Brandon like a gas station and pump him for information. Oh yes.

Now, also keep in mind, all this action I’ve described so far has taken place in the first one minute of the episode, before the opening credits. I was so amped when I was watching, you wouldn’t believe. I’d completely forgotten about this episode. I was drinking wine and I was elated.

The next morning, Dylan comes by the Walsh’s to get Brandon. Kelly is there, and after saying goodbye to B, Dylan gives her a nice hard stare that goes on for way too long. You could cut the tension with a knife!

Dylan and Brandon stop at a restaurant on the way. Brandon wants a square meal, while Dylan plans to order pie, since that’s the classic road trip thing to do, like Kerouac. Brandon reveals that, frankly, he doesn’t think much about Kerouac. He read On the Road and Dharma Bums and wasn’t impressed. What a lamo.

At the restaurant, Dylan makes some overt sexual comments to the waitress, with Brandon’s approval. They bond.

“How’s the apple pie,” D asks.

“Baked it in my own oven,” the waitress replies.

“I’d like to see that oven,” Dylan mutters to Brandon.

“You and me both,” Brandon mutters back.

Dylan turns to the waitress and goes for it. “Can we see your oven?”

“Get in line.”

Dylan gives a “touche” look, mulling over the rejection, before ordering a piece of pie.

The waitress winks at the boys and struts off. She was asking for it!

B and D fought a lot, but in the end, they made up and had a great R.T.

Meanwhile, in subplot land… who gives a shit. Steve’s mad at his Dad, Kelly’s being brainwashed. She’s finally feeling comfortable for the first time since the fire, talking about her history… only problem is, that professor she loves so much is like Jim Jones all over again. “Set aside your fears, Kelly,” advises cult leader John Patrick Finley. “Tell the truth.”

Tell the truth? TELL THE TRUTH?!?! What about you, John Patrick Finley?! Are you telling the truth when you manipulate these students into giving you all their money?!!!! And you say you’re trying to help them! HA!! You’re no better than the school board you rail against.

Yeah, I said it. Somebody had to.

I’m out.

PEACE.

Let’s just say I’m kiiiind of a big deal.

I really want to meet a girl who wears a t-shirt that says “I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL”, since that would mean she’s a big deal and it would be awesome to date a girl who is a big deal.

Let’s think of other things she kind of is:

“I’M KIND OF PSYCHOTIC”

“I’M KIND OF NOT SURE HOW I GOT HERE”

“I’M KIND OF HAVING SOME AWKWARD ARMS”

“I’M KIND OF STANDING IN FRONT OF A BRICK WALL”

“I’M KIND OF ONLY CONSIDERED HOT BECAUSE I HAVE A NICE RACK”

-The End

Scanner Darkly

i watched Scanner Darkly again. I think it sucks more or less. I remembered it as being good, but I realized I was remembering the book. All the hype about Linklater making this super-true-to-PKD adaptation was, to put it bluntly, hype. Woody Harrelson throws in that stupid line about Leonardo DiCaprio being “in his Elvis stage,” and Linklater left it in. Not only does it have nothing to do with the book, but it’s the lamest, most hackneyed way to say that someone who was once thin is now fat. It wasn’t that funny the first ten thousand times. I feel like they made clowns out of all the characters except Arctor and the girl. In the book, you’re there with the characters when they’re confused — like the scene wtih the bike gears, or when the car breaks down and they’re worried the cops are going to break into the house and plant drugs, then someone says, “well it’s locked,” then Baris says he left the front door open with a note saying “Come in, the door’s open,” as a way to catch whoever breaks in. And they talk and talk about it, but in the end no one can figure out if Barris really did that or not, even though he’s a part of the conversation and he’s on their side. Then they get home and there’s no note on the door, so they think he didn’t do it, and everything is exactly how they left it so they think no one was there, but then they realize that if someone did break in to plant drugs they’d leave everything untouched so as to fool them into thinking no one had been there, so they become convinced that someone was there and had planted drugs and a raid is imminent. Then the solution they come up with is to sell the house. So they start discussing the logistics of selling the house, but then they realize they’re being nuts, no one was there. Then they notice a burning roach in the ash tray and they freak out, and as they’re freaking out Arctor’s girlfriend comes out of the bedroom and they’re all like, “How did you get in here?” and she says, “I came in, like the note on the door said.” In the book that scene is awesome, but in the movie it’s played kind of stupid, and you’re not there with the characters at all. And all the Freck scenes suck because the actor makes him out to be an idiot. And Harrelson makes his character into a clown too. Anyway, I command you to never see it again and read the book again instead. Don’t make the same mistake I did, Aaron.

Anthony wrote that to me in an email. Reprinted without his permission or knowledge.

If you haven’t read A Scanner Darkly, you should you should you should. A fucking masterpiece. And like Anthony writes, don’t bother watching the movie.

More Acronyms For Your Ass / Tearing (It) Up

So obviously N.B. (not bad) is the all-time best acronym.

Here are some more:

• H. – Hello. (Could also stand for “heroin” in some circles; it’s contextual).
• U.W. – Ummm, what? (To be said as a statement, not a question – as in, “U.W.”, not as in, “U…. W.?” or “U.W.?”)
• S.P. – San Pellegrino (This shit is so good and so underrated (and before you jump on me for saying it’s underrated, yes, I realize it’s rated and on people’s radar, I just think it’s underrated)).
• T.A.A.C. – Totally Awesome and Cool (pronounced: Tee double A Cee).

And now, here is another list:

Words that annoy me because they have two pronunciations, with the differing pronunciations carrying different meanings:

1. Read – “I read that book.” / “I am going to read about elephants.”
2. Tear – “I tear up whenever I think of Dylan losing Kelly to Brandon.” / “I’m about to tear it up on the basketball court.”

Tear definitely bothers me the most.

Bruce: The Play

Bruce sits on a couch next to the beautiful Jacqueline in an otherwise empty room.

Bruce: Oh, Jacqueline, you are so serene. How I love you so.

Jacqueline: And I have no feelings for you.

Bruce: Is it because I’m dull?

Jacqueline: No, it’s because you’re a butterface.

Bruce: Then why don’t we turn out the lights?

Jacqueline: There are no lights in this room.

Bruce: I wish there were no sunlight.

Jacqueline: That is a short-sighted thing to say.

Bruce: I’m sorry.

Jacqueline gets up and sits on Bruce’s lap.

Jacqueline: I love a man who knows when to apologize.

Bruce: And I’ve always loved you.

Jacqueline: Don’t say that, it makes you sound desperate.

Jacqueline gets off Bruce’s lap and sits back down in her original spot on the couch.

Bruce: I’ll say this for myself: I’m gracious in defeat.

Jacqueline: Which is to say you live graciously, since your life has been one defeat after another.

Bruce reaches out to touch Jacqueline’s face. She slowly backs away.

CURTAIN

Why I Didn’t Come Home the Other Night

I don’t feel like writing it all again, so I’m just cutting and pasting in a Gchat I had with Amy about my night. This wasn’t last night, but the night before (not that that makes any diff).

7:19 AM me: oh my fucking god

Amy: what

WHAT

OH GOD WHAT

you’re hungover

aren’t you?

me: i woke up an hour ago

Amy: jesus it’s early

me: …

Amy: for you

me: at work

Amy: HAHAHHAAHAHHAHAAH

me: i am at work

Amy: HAHAHAHAHAHA

no

FUCKING WAY

tell me verything right now

me: i slept in the orange room

Amy: !

me: andre is also here

holy shit

i am so goddam hungover

Amy: ahhahahahhahaha

you knew you were going to

me: i am ALREADY AT WORK

Amy: be

7:20 AM yeah that’s a honk right there

me: i didn’t know i’d wake up at work!

holy crap

Amy: at least you didn’t get buttfucked by the landlord

hahahahha

what are you going to do?

me: probably get a monster breakfast

7:21 AM i was at the holiday party

Amy: are you gonna go home?

me: doing car bombs and shit

the party was like two blocks away

Amy: OMG

7:22 AM me: i was shooting some pool, around 9, and then someone told me andre was puking in the bathroom

apparently he was already sick and doing a car bomb set him off

Amy: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHA

car bombs are insane

7:23 AM me: since i am his friend, someone came to get me

i helped him back here since they kicked him out of the bar

Amy: dude

THEY KICKED HIM OUT?

me: oh shit this girl rhonda just came into work

i’m not even wearing shoes

yeah, they kicked him out

7:24 AM he was in the b-room for like an hour apparently

i had thought he left

Amy: hahahahahhhahahahhhaaahhahahaa

dude

you threw DOWN!!!

niiice

are you going to be able to last the whole day?

me: i dunno

i am really hungover

luckily andre had some toothpaste

Amy: ew

god

i would die if i woke up at work

7:25 AM HAHAHAH that is so hilarious

you’re at work

for some reason

me: it’s pretty weird

Amy: and this makes no sense

but i keep picturing you in your priests costume becuase that was the last party you went to at work

me: i was in my new black zip up

Amy: hoodie?

7:26 AM me: i was having a great time at the party too

yep, hoodie

Amy: you know what i’m into? i just want a plain sweatshirt, no hood

like old school

with nothing on it

just a plain gray sweatshirt

me: i can’t believe i was called in to diffuse this sitch

Amy: HZHAHHAHAHAFHFHAHFIHFFAHFJAEGJJ

YOU ARE STILL AT WORK

me: i guess i can believe it

this guy troy wanted to force andre into a car

but i know when you’re sick you don’t want that

7:27 AM so i said i’d stay with him here

thinking we’d go to his place or something at some point

but he left his keys at the bar

Amy: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA

me: i think he got sick from his kids or something prior to the party

Amy: you’re a nice friend

kinda

me: i am a good friend when someone is ill

Amy: oh then nevermind

me: i brought him water and whatnot

7:28 AM Amy: that’s kind

me: this is the weirdest day

there is an empty bottle of glenlivet in my garbage can

i just remembered i found it and polished it off last night

Amy: ew

that is sick

me: why is that sick

7:30 AM Amy: polishing off bottles of hard booze

me: that’s what happens when people get drunk

Amy: ive been there my friend

7:31 AM me: man i am so hungover

Amy: i bet

get some food

it’s only 730!!

7:32 AM me: i’m trying to decide if i should hit up denny’s, ralph’s (supermarket) or panera

Amy: panera

get bread

in you

they have the best croissants

7:33 AM me: i may get an egg sandwich over there

Amy: omg you should

with cheese

7:34 AM stop you’re making me hungry and i had to beg a quarter off a guy this morning just to buy my coffee

me: hahaha

that’s funny

7:35 AM oh man i just did a 41 point move in scrabble

Amy: what?

in OUR GAME?

7:36 AM me: yeppers

7:37 AM i just left you a facecomment about how i feel

Amy: heh

heheheheeheh

see what you get for moving to LA?

jesus

me: i dunno, this is pretty sweet in a way

7:38 AM i’ve always wanted to sleep at work

Amy: that is fucking retarded

me: yes

Amy: i finally got my trail mix to not have as many raisins and now it’s delicious

7:40 AM i picked them out

me: nice move

fuck raisins

you know what rules though?

dried cranberries

trader joe’s makes a mix with cranberries instead of raisins

7:41 AM Amy: yeah i totally agree

joe’s also makes one with dried raspberries

me: dried cherries are also great

Amy: dried fruit is pretty bomb

7:42 AM me: i think i was talking to some chick about anal last night

i dont even know what i was saying

shit

Amy: was it someone you work with?

7:43 AM me: yeah

but i think she’s cool

Amy: cool with what

me: just cool in general

so a little anal talk probably doesnt rub her the wrong way

7:45 AM Amy: you could just ask her if she’s into anal today

7:46 AM me: true

oh my god amy what do i do about this hangover

Amy: take advil first of all

7:47 AM me: i never take that shit

maybe i should

Amy: yeah have to take 3 advil

drink it with a glass of water

me: whoa

Amy: go buy a naked juice

me: on the news on howard stern

7:48 AM robin just said only 43% of americans believe in theory of evolution

Amy: well that’s obviously bullshit

me: and 61% believe in the virgin birth of christ

Amy: where is she getting these figures

it’s HOWARD STERN dude

me: no, the news is real

it’s all real

you don’t listen to howard

he rules

Amy: HAHAHAHHAHAHAA

i have plenty of times before

and how do you know its “real”

7:49 AM me: it just is

it’s as real as any news

they joke about the real news

otherwise it wouldn’t be funny

Amy: ok aaron

then it’s true

7:50 AM you should reference howard stern as your source at dinner parties and stuff

and act all snobby about it

me: ooooooooookayyyyyyyyyyyyy amyyy

i do

haha

i already do that

Amy: i bet

7:56 AM me: alrtight, i am going to panera

wish me luck

The Man at the Field: The One Act

A man walks through a field. He is cold. He finds a coat and puts it on.

Man: Ahhhh.

He notices the other man laying on a bench.

Man: Hello. What is your name?

Other Man: I refuse to tell you.

Man: Tell me why.

Other Man: You can’t just ask my name.

Man: Can I please sit on the bench? You don’t need to lay there. You aren’t even sleeping. If you sit up then I could sit down with you.

Other Man: I was here first.

Man: Will you please be my friend? Do you like silly jokes?

Other Man: No.

Man: I would like to tell you a silly joke.

Other Man: No.

Man: A man was wearing a silly hat and he walked into a hardware store. Do you know what he said?

Other Man: No.

Man: He said… I forget what he said.

The man reaches out to pat the other man on the shoulder, but before he can the other man runs away. The man sits down on the bench.

Man: I believe I can fly.

The man stands up and stares at a bird. The bird flies away. The man goes to sleep on the bench.