Thinking about getting a haircut but don’t feel like it.

Attention:

If anyone has anything interesting to tell me, now is a good time.

In other news, I may be getting a two-wheeled gift soon.

I haven’t had a bicycle since I was 20. I used to ride to work. Butt Banged Hitch Hiking Whores was one of our more popular straight titles.

It stars Cricket.

I never watched it.

I can still remember going up and down those stairs holding a stack of videos. And that guy who drank a two liter of Coke every time he worked a shift. And that sign we had requesting customers wipe off any lube that may have gotten onto the cases.

There was always a fan on in there.

Which reminds me.

Oscillating fans are frustrating to watch because they’re going nowhere. I’d rather watch the neighbor shuffle between the couch and the kitchen.

Therefore, fan, I keep you pointed in one direction.

You’re giving me the chills.

Shelfari’s Search Function Unacceptable

For those that don’t know, Shelfari is some nerdy site where you make a profile, look up books, and click if you’ve read them or not. So you end up with a “virtual bookshelf” that other virtual cyborg android friends can look at. I belong to it.

Yesterday I looked up David Mamet to add a book of his to my shelf, and here are the top four books that came up:

1. Three books by David Sedaris
2. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens

It’s not like Shelfari has no entries for Mamet. Books number five and ten were by him.

Shelfari also showed me books by David Eddings, Gregory David Roberts, Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Redin.

Here’s a suggestion. Since I searched for David Mamet, why not give me books by David Mamet first? This isn’t China, we go by last names over here.

What? You recommend reading a book by Ernest Hemingway? Why don’t I just see a movie with Ernest Borgnine instead? Henry Miller and Henry James are the same, right? Russell Banks has only written like ten books, the second listing for him should be a book by Richard Bach, shouldn’t it?

I am officially calling on Shelfari to fix this issue. Goodbye.

In Your Face Opinions No Holds Barred You Don’t Like It Tough Titties

What’s up.

Subway has been running some deal where select foot-long subs are five bucks. One of the select subs is the Veggie Delight, which is regularly priced at $4.79. So with their deal you actually pay twenty-one cents more.

The only thing that gets my goat more than this sort of “deal” is this new fascination with putting lime in everything. And it’s not even real lime, it’s just lime flavor, or lime powder or whatever. We’ve got:

• Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (awesome) with lime (why?)
• Tostidos with lime
• Diet Coke with lime
• Bud Light with lime

100% natural lime? Wow, sounds delicious. I didn’t think they could make Bud Light taste any better. I guess water is good with lemon, so why not plop some lime into Bud Light?

Sorry, I mean, BL.

‘Tender! A couple BLs with L for the ladies, and a B for myself!

Is there a surplus of limes or something? Limes aren’t even that good. They’re only good with fish tacos, and that’s only sometimes.

Fuck limes, fuck the mathematicians at Subway, and fuck you!!!

I worked out today and I am jacked up!!

That’s me in a towel.

That’s me in the spot

light

choosing my confession.

Ex

The quote below is from A Fan’s Notes, by Frederick Exley, my #1 favorite book. (You should read it).

I had a dream a couple weeks ago that I quoted a passage from the book. When I awoke I couldn’t remember what passage it was, if the passage actually existed, or if it was just a product of my dream. But then yesterday it came to me. Here it is:

“I thundered up to one counter and stood stupid, aghast, mute, as, without batting an eyelash, she purchased seven pair of pale blue panties, a pair for every day of the week, with Monday, Tuesday, etc., embroidered at a place very close to the crotch. “Pretty corny, huh?” she said to nobody in particular; then to the salesgirl, “Is it all right if I wear Tuesday’s on Saturday?” Here she turned to me and winked, and a very sick smile quite froze upon my countenance. Both she and the salesgirl laughed, a mysterious woman’s laugh. That morning was the first day in my life when I recognized there were times when I needed a drink; I needed one then as badly, I expect, as I ever had or ever would again.”

Worst Lie Ever

In 1988 this kid told me that his brother wrote the song “Paradise City”. As far as lies go, that has got to be as bad as they come.

Your brother wrote “Paradise City”? You know, that song was written by the members of Guns N Roses. So… your brother is a member of Guns N Roses is what you’re saying.

And yet you never mentioned this before now. Guns N Roses has been the most popular band in North America for a year, your brother is in that band, and yet you just saw fit to mention this fact now, at recess, while we’re in line to play 4 Square.

I do not think I believe you.

And yes, I am bringing this up 20 years later. That’s how I roll.

Hi.

Hello.