Revenge of the Relationship Poetry Blog

This week’s guest Relationship Poetry Blog poet is Charles Bukowski, gracing us with a selection from his 1977 collection, Love Is A Dog From Hell.

my doctor has just come into his office
from surgery.
he meets me in the men’s john.
“God damn,” he says to me,
“where did you find her? oh, I just like
to look at girls like that!”
I tell him: “it’s my specialty: cement
hearts and beautiful bodies. If you can find
a heart-beat, let me know.”
“I’ll take good care of her,” he says.
“yes, and please remember all the ethical
codes of your honorable profession,” I tell
him.

he zips up first then washes.
“how’s your health?” he asks.

“physically I’m sound as a tic. mentally I’m
wasted, doomed, on my tiny cross, all that
crap.”

“I’ll take good care of her.”

“yes. and let me know about the heart-beat.”

he walks out.
I finish, zip up and also walk out.
only I don’t wash up.

I’m far beyond all that.

Fishy Theory

Fish sounds like it’s short for something. Like fishtopher.

I hope that theory doesn’t seem… fishy. Brehh hah hahhah. Mmmm.

Goddamit

I am pretty hungover. I will tell you this much, making gazpacho when you’re hungover is always a good move. I got the ingredients at the farmer’s market.

While preparing the tomato-filled chilled delight, I began to think about some differences between New York and LA. New York is definitely cooler, which is not always a good thing, it depends on the sitch.

In New York you meet more people who are struggling to create art. In LA art is business. So the successes you meet, it’s more interesting in New York. Like someone will be in some shitty band, and then suddenly their shitty band is signed to a label, and then suddenly they’re playing sold-out gigs.

I know everything.

I will tell you something else. Dewar’s Special Reserve is a fucking hidden gem in Scotchville. It’s only 20 bucks at Trader Joe’s, and it is great.

Back to the gazpacho, I bought all the supplies at the farmer’s market, which is always nice. The main lesson I learned is, 75 cents gets you a lot a lot a lot of parsley. If someone were ever debating about how bad inflation has gotten, I would take the other side and just point to parsley. They’re practically giving it away.

As Dora might say, Who is they?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Hot Girls in Bad Photos

Nothing like a hot girl looking super ugly in a photo. You catch her at just the right time – she’s about to sneeze, she’s preaching about something – whammo, you got a rare pic you could sell for a billion smackers.

I wonder if there are any websites devoted to this.

If you know, let me know.

Parking Ticket Flap Leads to Non-Purchase of Headphones

I love it when a woman had been wearing high heels and has taken them off to dance. That’s always a good scene.

What I don’t like is getting parking tickets. You hear me, LAPD?!?!?! Even if it’s my fault.

Look, I don’t care whose fault it is, LAPD. Let’s not fight. It doesn’t matter who started it. Sure, maybe I could’ve put a quarter in the meter when I parked. I could’ve done a lot of things. So could’ve you, bitches.

Now I have to somehow not spend forty smackers on something, to make up for it. To make it easier, I will convince myself I was going to buy a new pair of forty dollar headphones.

Hey, did you all know I am going to buy a new pair of forty dollar headphones? Actually, I just decided I am not going to buy them. There, I freed up forty bucks.

Cacao? Ka-zow!

What the fuck is “cacao” supposed to be? What is that, the fancy way to say “cocoa”? What is it, European? Oooh, big deal, Godiva, your dark chocolate is made not with 85% cocoa, but with 85% cacao. Great for you. Congratulations. I’m proud. We’re all so proud.

Say, Godiva, maybe you used to be European, but I’m pretty sure you’re now owned by Campbell’s, and your main plant is in Pennsylvania. I’m pretty sure they don’t say cacao over in Pennsylvania. I’m pretty sure all they do over in Pennsylvania is talk about the Philadelphia Eagles, and Rocky.

Would anyone like a handful of my Raisinets? The raisins are covered in milk cacao. Or how about a bowl of Cacao Puffs?

Speaking of cereal, the guy in front of me at the supermarket today bought 40 boxes of cereal, 10 each of: Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Golden Grahams, and Cacao Puffs. Yes, there was a sale. No, he does not have a million kids. He said he only has one.

I saved $1.00 on Gorton’s Garlic & Herb Fish Fillets.

I paid in exact change, which included thirteen pennies. Now, if companies in the States would stop thinking they’re tricking consumers when they price items $__.99, we could get rid of pennies, like basically every other intelligent country has done.

And then we could seriously for real call our cocoa cacao, and I would be fine with that, if there were no more pennies.

Finally, if you have the choice to purchase either a container of Pringles (pizza flavor) on sale for $1.00, or Pringles Selects (parmesan garlic flavor) at regular price for $3.29, do not select (pun intended!) Pringles Selects. They aren’t bad, but they taste just like regular Pringles, which maybe would be good if they were a diet soda, but not good when they are supposably a primo snackidge food.

Outness.

The Post Office

My favorite hangout in LA is the post office. It’s cool at the post office. Every day I go there to chill.

Yo, Marty! I say. How much are stamps today?

Still 41 cents a pop, he says with a chuckle.

When I overhear people confused about the difference between UPS and USPS, I jump into the conversation and explain the diff. I used to work at UPS, I tell them, The night shift, so I know aaaaaaall about UPS. And USPS? Well, that’s where we are right now! The United States Postal Service!

The Post Office is a rad place to hang because you’ve got your regulars, your newbies, and your in-betweens. Me, I’m the cool guy, and whenever a hot new girl shows up, I’m all over that shit.

You don’t have to be mailing letters to hang at the PO. You don’t even need a PO Box. You just need to be able to have a good time, and to care about written communication.

Later, cyberzoids.