Note: The following conversation may have taken place. If it did not, it easily could have.
Hey Aaron, wasn’t the season finale to Lost amazing?
I DON’T KNOW, BECAUSE I DIDN’T SEE IT.
What?!?
You heard me.
But Aaron, I thought you love Lost. I thought it is your favorite show currently on television. Why didn’t you watch the explosive two-hour season finale?
I tried to watch it, I did.
What happened? You can tell me. I am your friend.
Stiggers happened.
Stiggers? Pardon? What?
I am referring to that tall British man who lives in Williamsburg.
Ah, Stiggers. He is not that tall. He’s just taller than you is all.
Are you calling me short?
No, you are average height.
Would you say above average?
No, I’d say average.
You know, he invites me over, and then his cable goes out before the show even starts.
Last night, I realized while taking a piss at Virgin Records that I’m the kind of guy who would never buy something at a store for the right to use their bathroom.
I realized this because I’d walked into a pizza place but the bathroom door was locked with a sign saying the bathroom is for customers only. I was with my friend who also had to piss. He was like, let’s buy a bottle of water so we can piss.
I insisted that was a bad move, that I knew of other places to go. We went to the Virgin and struck gold.
It is important to never pay to relieve yourself. The concept of paying for the bathroom is ridiculous. You can call me cheap but that’s not what it’s about.
It’s about standing up for your rights as a human being.
Man, my back is sore.
Oh yes, that’s nice. Very nice.
Shut up, chicken! Eggplant sucks! It tastes like a snake, or an eel!
Anyone who runs for an elevator yelling for you to hold the door open is a total idiot.
There are no exceptions to this rule.
I don’t mean putting your hand in the door as it’s closing if you happen to be walking up as the door is closing. That is different. A different beast entirely.
But running and yelling to hold the elevator? Come on, it’s not like running for a train. You’re already in the building you need to be in. If you miss this elevator you’ll have to wait, what, at most 30 seconds? Possibly 45?
There is only one exception to this rule: if you are on fire.
But if you are on fire, you shouldn’t be using the elevator. That is some kind of hazard.
It stars Steve Carell, who is good in it. Dane Cook is also in it. A lot of people can’t stand him. He doesn’t bother me. He doesn’t really affect me either way. He doesn’t do much in this movie, he’s just kind of in it.
For the entire middle of the movie I felt super tense, which is not an enjoyable feeling. I rented this movie to mindlessly relax, not to get anxiety from Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche falling in love but not knowing what to do because she’s dating his brother (Cook).
It’s drawn out for a while, until finally Binoche dumps Cook. Then she and Carell make out at the bowling alley and get caught by his entire family, followed by Cook punching Carell in the face.
Then Cook goes off to bang some ho bag, which morally frees up Carell and Binoche to be together. His three daughters (the mother is dead) are psyched; they love Binoche; she’s great. The movie ends with Carell and Binoche getting hitched.
(Spoiler alert).
How is this a satisfying ending? Wouldn’t it bother Carell that his wife used to date his brother? Wouldn’t it bother Cook that his brother stole his girlfriend and made her his wife? What the heck is going on? This movie is not relaxing at all.
I rented this movie from iTunes. Renting movies from iTunes is fantastic. Will I rent from iTunes in the future?
Answer: Yes.
Rating for Dan in Real Life: one and a half stars.
Rating for iTunes movie rental service: four stars.
