Skittles

All variations of Skittles are amazing.

WRONG!!!

Skittles has finally committed an error.

Chocolate Skittles can fucking go take a dump in the woods. Chocolate Skittles suck ass.

Chocolate Skittles come in five flavors: vanilla, caramel, s’mores, brownie batter and chocolate pudding. Vanilla is okay. The rest suck. They all taste the same, except for vanilla. They all taste like tootsie rolls. Which aren’t bad. But these are like bad tootsie rolls.

Every other Skittles variation is amazing. Which makes this misstep all the more perplexing.

The Skittles name has been sullied!

I am the baron!

I will destroy you, weakling!

Everyone Is Stupid Except Me

I bought some new pants at T.G. today. When I brought them to the counter, the clerk said, “Buying some new pants?”

I didn’t respond because obviously I was. Then I realized he wasn’t ringing me up, and that he was waiting for me to respond. So I said, “Yep. Some new pants.”

THEN to top it all off he pointed to the security tag on the bottom of the pant leg,

and he said, “Do you want me to remove the tag?”

I just looked at him, like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

And he said, “Otherwise the alarm will go off when you leave the store.”

So I said, “Sure, remove it then.” Which he did.

Man, what a fucking idiot.

He is such a fucking idiot.

Classic. Penguin Classic. Fuck yeah.

Fuck that guy.

At least the pants I got are awesome.

‘Ron Milan: The Myth

Rumor has it ‘Ron Milan is not currently in his usual habitat of New York, but rather, in his previous habitat of Chicago.

Attempts to verify this proved positive, as ‘Ron Milan is, indeed, in Chicago.

He has been spotted not going outside. Some claim to have seen his shadow through the venetian blinds.

Others say he has been sprawled out on the couch reading a Philip Roth book, or drinking grape juice (which could stain the carpet were it to spill), or watching the National Basketball Association playoffs on TNT, or two of the three.

His parents have no comment.

2 4 1

Apparently my last post was dumb.

Here’s something that’s not dumb: I was at the vending machine, ready to purchase either a Milky Way or Raisinets. While making my decision, I observed a Twix bar hanging by a thread. It was in front of a Kit Kat.

Those aren’t my favorites, but they are obviously tasty and delicious. And when you’re presented with the possibility of a two for one sitch, you gotta go for it.

Two chocolate bars for only the price of one? I’d be the man.

It wasn’t all that risky. The probability of the two for one was high. Like I said, the Twix was hanging by a thread.

I already ate the Kit Kat. Now should I eat the Twix? I’ll get an upset stomach, but it’ll be fun for a few seconds.

Decisions, decisions…

You know what’s good? Twix Ice Cream Bar.

‘Ron Milan: Drivin’

As some of you may know, there are several things I don’t like about New York: the garbage in the streets, the impatient vibe, all the hustlers trying to get your attention, my stupid neighbors, the overpriced apartments, the “parks” people describe as “nice” but are actually just a bench on cement with a tree or two and surrounded by traffic…

But.

One thing I love about New York is driving up the FDR or over a bridge on my motorcycle when there’s no traffic. Which I did this morning, cruising over the 59th Street Bridge. It felt great.

Motorcycles are awesome.

This is mine:

It’s funny how when you drive a motorcycle people think it’s totally normal to be like, “Ooooh, be careful though, [somebody I know] crashed on one.”

Really? I didn’t know you could crash on motorcycles. Thanks for informing me of that fact. I thought motorcycles come with an anti-accident forcefield. I didn’t realize I should drive carefully. I thought you’re supposed to drive recklessly.

Hey, I noticed you’re about to cross the street. Watch out for those large moving objects on wheels. If you get hit by one, you might get injured.

Hey, I noticed you’re about to eat a cookie. Make sure to chew it, one time my cousin didn’t chew a cookie, he just tried to swallow it in one gulp, and he choked for like 20 minutes.

Hey, I noticed you’re getting older. Watch out, as people age, they tend to get sick more often. Just warning you.

Yeah, that’s right.

Uhhh, this post was supposed to be positive. Sorry. I said I was sorry! Damn son.

Curse you, stimmangamengeezus!

Flowers

All girls love flowers.

And you’ll never regret getting flowers for a girl you like.

So if you like a girl, you should get her flowers once in a while. Not all the time, but once in a while.

She never won’t like them.

You don’t even have to know anything about flowers to buy them. The person at the flower shop will help you out.

All girls love flowers.

The only girl who doesn’t is Vicki from Small Wonder, and that’s only because she’s a robot.

Robots like batteries.

Softball

This is me playing softball for the reigning McCarren Park Williamsburg Saturday Softball League champion Archive Bears.

Amazing.

When Josh touches me on the arm I’m like, Dude, don’t ever fucking touch me.

Then I smack a double.

Here’s another one featuring me:

First I catch the ball like a total pussy. Then I take two pitches. Then I foul one off. Then I fly out. Isn’t this supposed to be a highlight real? What the fuck? Great.

Ah, finally. I crush the ball a few times. It’s like Gary Sheffield up there.

Then I walk off the field and shake my agent’s hand.

Then I take a picture of the other team. And Jesse has a semi and is wearing only his underwear.

Great softball highlights! Just like Sportscenter.