Blame It On Society

If you haven’t listened to “Blame it on the Rain” by Milli Vanilli lately, I suggest you give it a spin on the old iTunes. It’s a really good pop song.

It would’ve been a hit even without pretending it was sung by two hot black dreadlocked Germans.

You might not want to get too attached to those Grammy’s, boys.

Give it a listen: Blame it on the Rain

It’s pretty good, right?

Today while getting off the bus I heard the guy next to me say, “What the… fuck? That boy is naked.” I looked, and he was half right. Running down the street was a naked girl, about 25 years of age. She ran around the corner before laying down on the sidewalk.

I thought, Since this is Williamsburg, it could be performance art. I thought, Since this is Williamsburg, it could be drugs. Either way, it’s freezing outside. While I stood there thinking, someone else thought to alert a cop, who flagged down a firetruck to deal with the situation.

If you gotta blame it on somethin’…

Memo From Upstairs

M E M O R A N D U M

To:  Aaron

From:  God

Date:  February 25, 2008

Subject:  Whassup??!?!??!

In general, you are doing a good job. In the next few days, please make sure to do the following: check your email at least 35 times a day; watch at least 3 episodes of Lost every night; put off things you have no reason to fear that would take you like one second to do, such as paying your phone bill; complain about how you have no cash, then convince yourself it makes sense to spend $13 on a record; lose all your scarves; when your blinds break hang a sheet over the window, and when the sheet falls down just kick it under the bookshelf; and be cool and chill.

Thanks.

-G

It’s a Leap Year(,) Baby!

It would be cooler if for leap years February stayed at 28 days, and December got a 32nd day. That would be so awesome.

If you’re gonna tack something on, tack it on at the end, not in the middle.

Every leap year there’s a conversation about what it’s like for people born on February 29th. And yet I don’t know anyone who was born on the 29th of February. I don’t even know anyone who knows anyone who was born on that date.

I found one on the internet though:

The leap year baby turned 20… some quick math here… so she’s 80? She looks old for 80. She looks like she’s 90.

Am I right or am I right?

Only two options there. Option A: I am right. Option B: I am also right. Either way, I am right…

here waiting for you.

Richard Marx…

Richard Lewis.

SAME HAIR.

Karl Marx…

Carl Lewis.

DIFFERENT HAIR.

‘Ron Milan Update

‘Ron Milan is still my nickname.

Eric Roberts Impersonation

A few years ago my friend Anthony and I made a cable access show called Laser Vision Theater. In one of the episodes, Anthony does an amazing reenactment of a scene from The Pope of Greenwich Village, playing the roles of both Charlie (Mickey Rourke) and Paulie (Eric Roberts).

If you have seven minutes and twenty-one seconds to spare, watch this:

H.A.

Here are some handy acronyms I invented:

N.B. = not bad (“How are you?” “N.B.”)

B.I.T. = be in touch (“Are we hanging out tomorrow?” “Maybe. Let’s B.I.T.”)

T.G. = The Gap (“Where’d you get that shirt?” “T.G.”)

B.R. = Baskin Robbins (“I sure could go for a nice home cooked meal.” “I could go for some B.R. action.” )

B.H.9. = Beverly Hills, 90210 (“Do you like chillin like Dylan?” “Dylan from B.H.9.?” “No, Dylan Thomas.” “Oh.” “Just kidding, of course Dylan from B.H.9.” “Cool.”)

“Technically speaking,” Dylan said as he lifted the night black helmet off his head, “these are initialisms. Acronyms are when you pronounce the letters as a word, initialisms are when you pronounce each letter.”

“Make love to me,” Brenda replied. “Immediately.”

Dylan leaned in and kissed her hard on the lips. They embraced.

“Oh, Dylan,” Brenda moaned.

“Oh, Kelly,” Dylan moaned.

Brenda pushed him away and took a furious step back. “What did you just say?!”

Dylan moved towards Brenda, his eyebrows scrunched, his right arm out, pleading. “Nothing, Bren… nothing… Bren, don’t be like that.”

Brenda walked off in a huff.

“Brenda!” Dylan shouted.

Brenda paused briefly, before walking off without turning around.

Dylan got on his motorcycle and drove down to Baja to clear his head.

Where Am I?

I don’t want to spend so much time watching Lost, but I have to, because I already started watching it. This is just like an episode of Lost.

Let me out of here!!!

Goddamit.

I wish I could stop watching. It’s such a waste of time. But I need to see what happens.

And I’m only on Season 2? I have like 30 more episodes to watch until I catch up. I’m trapped.

Intense.

I am Jack.

“He walks among us but he is not one of us.”