Ladies, Do Not Read! This Post For Men Only!!!

Attention, Men: I’m having a MANSCAPING party at my place next week.

We will do so much MANSCAPING and it will rule so hard. We will start by wearing t-shirts with no pants, then we will switch to pants with no t-shirts, all the while doing MANSCAPING.

For those of you who do not know what MANSCAPING is, it’s like LANDSCAPING, but you put in the word MAN, and it becomes like something men do, that normally women do.

Jon from “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ does MANSCAPING, he is one of many famous people who do IT.

Incidentally, his girlfriend recently said that he throws a lot of MANTRUMS, which is like a TANTRUM, but for men. Normally, only women through tantrums. Hey, her words, not MINE.

So anyways, you should invite your father over for this party. What? It’s just a little MANSCAPING.

Also, bring some BEER. I would get it myself, but I am hosting, and besides, I am BROKE as a JOKE.

It Takes One to Deconstruct It Takes Two

Ladies love me
Girls adore me
I mean even the ones who never saw me like
The way that I rhyme at a show
The reason why?
Man, I don’t know 

I heard this jam on the way home from the gym this morning. This particular stanza (Tony Stanza) stood out to me for two reasons.

1. So girls are really into him, including girls who have never seen him, who like how he raps onstage, even though they have never seen him. I’m not sure that makes total sense.
2. I like that he doesn’t even know the reason why girls love his rapping. Most rappers give reasons like, “Girls love me because I’m awesome,” or, “Girls love me because I please them to no end,” something to that effect. But Rob Base just shrugs his shoulders. Who knows why girls love me, what’s the diff?

Both of these potential snags can be dismissed, because the song is a well-deserved all-time classic. Overall rating for Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s “It Takes Two”: A+

Split P/ea

Last night I made split pea soup for the first time in a year. It went pretty well. I may have used too much dill, however.

Dill is like parsley. You get so much in a bunch, and you probably only need it for one thing. Last time I had dill, I wound up making all these cheddar cheese and dill sandwiches. They were fantastic, so fuck you.

Anyways, you’re probably wondering, what is a split pea? Is it a pea split in half, or is it a smaller pea that they call a split pea because it looks like a half a pea?

The peas are round when harvested and dried. Once dry, the skin is removed and the natural split in the seed’s cotyledon can be mechanically separated, in part to encourage faster cooking.

I wrote that sentence. It is not from anywhere else. Please believe me. If you do not, I shall surely perish.

Quarters Now In Higher Demand Than Dollars

What is up. My laundry situation fucking sucks now.

I have to pay for my laundry – it’s $2.50 to wash and dry a load. That means I have to have all these quarters on hand.

You’re thinking, So what, that’s reality for almost everybody, stop complaining, etc.

At my last place, laundry was free. Now I can’t just do laundry whenever I want. I mean, I can, but I have to pay for it.

Still, this is far from the worst laundry sitch I’ve experienced. There is laundry on the premises. Remember in Brooklyn when I had to walk 8 blocks to do laundry?????????????? HOLY SHIT.

But I digress.

Is it perfume from a dress that makes me so digress?

No, it is fabric softener.

p.s. I hate the phrase “but I digress”.

p.p.s. I also hate when people shout a personal conversation across a crowded room. But I also kind of like it because it’s something I would never do.

p.p.p.s. I also hate when people have serious conversations about comedy.

Yep

A simple glance from her was like a kiss from any other woman, and when she spoke my name her voice poured through my veins like wine right into my heart.

- from Hunger, by Knut Hamsun

Controversial Potentially Racist Post

Asian people love sleeping. More than other types of people.

Just throwing that out there.

Why I Don’t Want Another Pet

Wilbur died about six years ago. He was my pet rabbit. He was black and had floppy ears.

I’ve thought about getting another pet, but more and more I feel bad for animals who are pets. Wilbur died a virgin. I feel bad about that.

Would you rather live in a mansion, comfortably, with no threats, but never get laid, not even have any romance whatsoever, or have a job and a regular life, and some danger, and sex, and the possibility of love?

Was Wilbur happy? Probably, for the most part. But he also may have been sexually frustrated.

One time I had a dream where all I could see was a big face, it was Wilbur’s face and he was wearing a huge smile. That was a good dream.

PEACE.